Took a Chance

After 8 straight days of work, I am finally off for a few days. Hooray! My schedule could not be better for the next 5 days. Off the next two, work half a day on Friday, and then off the weekend. The only downside is somewhere in there Sean will be leaving. Sad. I am so going to miss seeing his huge smile every day. I hate myself for getting so attached, but there is just something there. 

This week has certainly been interesting to say the least. Two days ago, I was in the kitchen talking to Mike about all the people that were on staff, and he says to me that he didn't know Sean was going to be there. So I chime in and say that it's because he secretly loves his job, to which Mike responds that he's really there because he's in love with me. All of this while Sean is standing 5 feet away. Could have died! I then say, No I'm pretty sure it's not because he is in love with me, then Mike comes back with, Oh that's right! It's because you are in love with him. I couldn't win, I swear. I'm so glad that Sean just takes things in stride. Through this whole exchange he just sits there grinning. Same thing that happened when one of our gossipy coworkers asked if he was over at my house, He did not confirm nor deny, just sat there grinning. Sadly, the him being at my place was not true, but I just love how gossip gets around. 

So... since Sean is leaving and we won't be seeing each other anymore, I decided I would risk rejection and utter humiliation and ask if he wanted to exchange numbers so we could stay in touch. Yesterday morning he comes to work and stops by my station to say hi, and harass me a bit - not that I minded, always nice to see his adorable face first thing in the morning. So, I asked him when his last day was and mentioned keeping in touch after he leaves. Not only did I not get rejected, but the outcome was very favorable, and hopefully we will keep in touch. 

Kim and I were talking last night and she is convinced that he likes me. Though I am not sure about that fact, her logic at least is semi-solid. She pointed out how he and I have talked more in the last month than he probably has with anyone else that works there in the entire year he has been there. Even if there is something to that, I am still skeptical. I feel like there are a lot of mixed signals. In any given day, he will go out of his way to talk to me, and then also be all aloof. Like yesterday's meeting, we had a great talk earlier in the day, and then at the meeting he could not have sat farther away from me. There isn't consistency in the messages he puts out, and that is exactly what confuses me so. There have been so many times where he and I have been talking, and his big brown eyes just light up like I am the only person in the world. It's that feeling that I just can't shake. Being around someone that makes me feel like this is purely intoxicating. I am definitely going to miss it. 

Decision Time

Well, the time has come that I must truly make a decision about staying here in the south, or going back to NY. Had a meeting at work today from 9-Noon, and when it was over I was again questioned about whether or not I was interested in a permanent position with the company. I am tempted to stay, but there is so much that is weighing on my mind. It would be nice to have stable employment again, and not have to worry where my next dollar is coming from. However, at the same time I am still a vagrant of sorts with no real home of my own. Staying with family isn't the end of the world but it would be really nice to be able to have a place to call my own, not to mention to finally be able to get my things out of storage after three long years of paying those monthly fees. 

Also got to see S today. Out of the Chef coat! I almost fell over when he came up to say hi, and he was wearing normal (not work!) clothes. Almost didn't recognize him without a baseball hat on! He looked adorable as ever. Since I got stuck sitting with his nemesis at the meeting he sat at another table, which was probably better because I would have just spent the whole time staring at him. We did get a chance to talk when we went on break, and after the main meeting while we were waiting for our individual ones. It just reminds me how easy he is to talk to and how much I always WANT to talk to him. About anything.

 In the back of my mind I worry that if I stay and take this job, I will never see S because he primarily works days and I will be working at night. I am kicking myself for letting my feelings for him even be a factor in whether I stay here or not. It is impossible to deny that I want to get to know him more, and if I head back to NY there will be zero chance of that happening. I feel like of all t he people I have met on my trip here, he is the one that I have clicked with the most, and I can't deny that there is some spark there, I just am not sure if that is one sided on my part, and I am just pining away for some guy who is not interested in me, even in the least. I was planning on being all brave today and giving him my phone number, but I totally chickened out, and am kicking myself for that. I just hope that if I decide to go back home, I will have enough courage to give that to him so there will be at least a remote chance that we can stay in touch. 

So much to think about, and I have to give Miguel a decision by Sunday. I just hope I make the right one this time. 

Conflicted

What to do, what to do. My summer of work is over, and I really should be thinking about going back to NY, yet somehow that is the farthest thing from my mind. I have no desire to return to the day to day drama, and stress that I have had to deal with for the past year straight. It's been nice having a job and when I come home every night for the work part of my day to be over with. Instead of being pulled in a million different directions every waking moment of every day.  

It would be nice to stay here, work, and live a fairly normal life again. Trying hard to deal with the guilt of staying. I know that I am needed at home, but after sacrificing a year of my life I have no desire to go back to that and lose the little bit of freedom that I have here. Meeting S has also made wanting to go home difficult. As much as I am trying to not let his presence influence my decision it is nearly impossible. It's been so long since I have met someone that has intrigued me this much. While having a relationship is probably not going to happen, just having him around makes my days a little brighter. It so weird because I have pretty much sworn off the thought of men, and then I meet someone who breaks down all the barriers I have put up, and makes me want to let him in, and not give a second thought to whether or not I'm going to get my heart broken. 

So, I must make this decision soon. School starts in a week or two here, and if I am going to stay and work I must commit to it. Otherwise, I need to make plans and head make to NY. Decisions, decisions. 

Bittersweet

Knew this day was coming, but I hated it all the same. Today was the last day working with S, so I probably will not see him again if I decide to head back to New York. The past few days have been amazing. Yesterday I got to spend some time in the kitchen after my shift was over talking with S and another of the cooks. Lots of laughs, and an interesting new cocktail recipe that I'm going to be brave and try out someday soon. Today, when S came in I was back in the kitchen doing some prep for lunch, so I got to see him the second he got there (bonus for me! LOL) and we talked for a little bit. Then because we had so many people on the schedule I had to leave at 11, and after I had clocked out I was back in the kitchen again and we got to talk some more. It is so endearing just how open and comfortable he is, tells me anything I ask, with no reservations. Sometimes it is easy to forget that we are virtually strangers and that I have only known this man a few short weeks. Just wish I had longer to build on the friendship that's blooming between us. S is definitely someone I want to keep around for a while. He's beyond adorable, and you can tell just from spending a few moments with him that he is a genuine individual with a big heart. You just don't find men like him every day. 


Even though our days as coworkers are over, I am going to find some way to see him another time or two before I head back. Definitely going to break my character and make the first real move above and beyond the mutual flirting that seems to be the talk among our coworkers. If I do end up leaving, I think I am just going to slip him my email and phone number so we can keep in touch til I come back again. I do not want this man to forget about me :) 

Today . . .

Today was one of those days this summer that I really just loved going in to work. Even though I had to be in at 5AM, S was our chef this morning and seeing his beautiful smile that early in the morning just made the day go by smoother. My sister and M are convinced that he likes me, but I seem to be clueless when it comes to these things lately. It was great joking around with him today, and we had tons of fun. Sad part is I really like him. A lot. If I wasn't heading home soon I think I would definitely try and take things farther. It has been far too long since I have felt like this around someone. This man is just something I needed this summer. He makes me feel like a teenager again, and I look forward to seeing him every single day we work together. And those eyes, and that smile. Makes me wish I was staying here just a *little* bit longer. 

Buzzkill

I think it is getting to the point where I am going to have to just block that pesky person from my past on all forms of social media if I am ever going to move on in my life. I post song lyrics to Twitter and I get snide remarks about my life and my past. Listen, jackass: I don't want you. You cheat. You lie. You are no good for anyone, especially me. It must be nice to live in your head where you can do no wrong and everything is someone else's fault. I am just glad that I have come to terms with my life, and where I am headed, instead of dwelling on the past like someone else seems to feels the need to do.                                                                                                                                                  

Letting Go

I feel overrun with emotion today and not entirely sure why that is. I think it has something to do with trying to hold onto the past, even though I know there is nothing there for me any longer. It has been far too long that I have been holding on to the past. It took me getting out of the environment that I was in and spending the past few months hundreds of miles away to be strong enough to admit this. I have spent too long putting my life on hold for a person that is not worth it. It feels like I have sacrificed valuable time and that is something I will never get back.


 Coming south for the summer has forced me to step outside my comfort zone, something which was desperately needed. I was able to work again, although not in my own field, and that gave me some confidence that I really needed. At the same time I met some really great people. One of whom I can't seem to get out of my head. I'm trying not to put too much stock into that either. He's a really nice guy, and I do like him, but just not ready to put myself out there. Part of me wishes I was staying here a while longer then maybe I could get more chances to get to know him better. Leaving is inevitable though, and if anything did blossom, as unlikely as that is, I'd never want to leave. So for now, I will just admire from afar, and have my first real man crush since my heart was shattered by that unnamed, undeserving individual.